Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
