The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
