i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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