I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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