Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
