I wanna bring you to show and tell
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
