I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
