My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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