turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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