im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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