I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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