So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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