Your mouth is God's brothel.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
