Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
