He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
