Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
