I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
