One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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