Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
