You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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