The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
As shirtless as possible
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
