You really coming over, don't trick.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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