When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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