apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
