My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
