The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
