I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
