can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
