yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
