he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
