I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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