1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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