woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
