my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
