Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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