whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
