I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Come on in and take your pants off
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