I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
