i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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