I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
