Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
