Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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