you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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