I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
