he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
