Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
