Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
