DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need to sanitize my soul.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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