You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
