I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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