i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
