i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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